Trapped heart
Date created: 3rd March 2013 ''Status: SCENE. Just some back story development from Krissie's point-of-view. '' I rarely think about it all to be honest... It brings back so many painful memories... But also brings back beautiful ones. It was just a, well, turbulent time in my life I suppose. I'd be the happiest girl in the world one day, but within moments that happiness could turn into horror and fear. I was simply terrified of my dad. I wont deny it. Sure, most dad's are protective and strict, but my dad, HA... He was a WHOLE other level. At the time I just thought all dads were like that, ya know; hit their wives if they didn't do as they were told. Suddenly start smashing things and lashing out for the stupidest reasons. Control their children's every move and restrict them from anything remotely dangerous. HA! Dangerous? Living in that damn house with him was more dangerous and soul crushing that anything life could possibly throw at me! I soon realized that... But considering how much 'trauma' I've been through you'd think I’d be a stronger person. I am weak. And I know I am. But I really don't like to show it. Perhaps my dad shouting and slapping me every damn time I cried has something to do with it, ha... Even now I hate crying in front of people. I felt pressured to stay strong and let nothing defeat me I suppose. My brother Julian taught me that from a very young age; don't let anyone or anything bring you down. Stay strong no matter what. My brother's an amazing man, ha, he was an amazing boy too. He'd already lived with and witnessed all the pain my mom went through 6 years before me. Considering how my dad pressured my mom for sex I'm surprised I wasn't born sooner, hmph. But Julian managed on his own. I often wonder how, but he's such a strong person, always has been. I suppose he HAD to be, strong for me... Whatever he was going through was obviously worse than what I was, since he now had me to protect and worry about. Among all the fear and arguments were some truly magical times though; when it was just me and mom. Dad would go out to work most the day, Julian would be at school, so that left me and my mom all alone. Dad used to lock us in, so we couldn't exactly go anywhere, but it was simply amazing!! And felt SO peaceful. We would just lounge around, watching soap operas, playing board games, she'd read me books and we'd even play hide-and-seek since the house was so big, hahaha! Once it took her 2 hours to find me, I was only in a spare bedroom! So fun... And it was the only time I really saw my mom relaxed and calm. Moment my dad came home she was tense as hell... And I don't blame her. The slightest thing wrong he'd go berserk. A lot of what happened is still vague to me. I chose to forget it all quickly... I simply never wanted to be reminded of any of it. But I do remember that day. The day that marked a whole new life for us, and we we're gonna make it through together. Without that... Rotten, violent BASTARD breathing down our necks... It was such a crazy day. But well... One morning after my dad went to work I found my mom crying her eyes out. I'd never seen her so upset, she'd always been so strong, bless her. Julian was off school that day, so he was locked in with us. I was very young at the time, about 6 I think... So Julian was 12. Anyway, me and him comforted my mom then Julian guided me out the room. I didn't hear much, I think I was just playing with a doll at the time to try and take my mind off everything. But I realize now that Julian was convincing mom to escape, or contact someone or SOMETHING. He was clearly a smart boy and desperate to get us all out of the situation... He's such a godsend, he truly is. So after a while of frantic rushing around and getting some belongings together, my mom finally sat me down and explained we we're leaving and she didn't know how long for, or where we where gonna go, but she looked more hopeful than I'd ever seen her. Julian was the way he'd always been through this; completely focused and our knight in denim armour. I soon heard him throwing things at the back door, anything he could lift; kitchen chairs, lamps, books, whatever was lying around. He was determined as hell to smash it down, I knew that for sure. No matter how many bolts and locks were on the god damn thing. All the windows were bolted and shatter proof by the way. Oh yes, my dad was totally not a possessive control freak, HA! Possibly hours later Julian came across dad's old fitness equipment in the basement, dung bells, weights and all sorts. Goodness knows how he carried the stuff, but he got some up and one weight was all it took. Julian threw it and that f*cking door smashed to pieces... My mom screamed like a maniac and picked me up! She was simply euphoric! Julian quickly kicked the rest of the door down so we could get through. Within minutes we got our stuff and ran. Just... Ran. No idea where or what the hell would happen next. Or whether my dad was already home and ready to come after us with a freakin' shot gun!! I just didn't care... Even at that tender age I knew we'd done something impossible: we left the house without my f*cking dad! He had no idea where we were and we were all finally free... Well, I THOUGHT we were free. After that amazing day we spent weeks in a hostel. It was a wonderful place though, and there were a few kids there actually. It was just like being at home, only MUCH more relaxing! Julian and mom kept me happy, telling me everything would be fine now, and that my dad just needed some help and he'll be apparently fine too. Ha! F*ck that. There's no changing insane men like him. Once an abuser, always an abuser. Even then I never ever EVER wanted to see him or be near him again. EVER. Of course, I had no idea mom was in the process of putting a restraining order on him. She was also trying to buy the house from him, simply so she could sell it, you understand, and move somewhere less... Soul crushingly traumatic. So, after 12 years of god-knows-how living with and surviving the many brutal beatings, harsh words and purely SICKENING abuse from my satanic dad, my mom was finally free... Free to be herself, find herself and just live her life! The restraining order was soon accepted as the evidence was plainly on her body; bruises, scratches, scars. Not to mention her mental health. My mom was always so nervous and sensitive, bless her, always shaking and anxious... It was so heartbreaking seeing her like that... But after most the madness and fear settled down she seemed much more at ease. She soon got the deed to the house too and sold it for the lowest offer, anything to just get rid of the damn place!! That and, well, it had a trashed door now. So we swiftly moved to another part of California, but mom was still anxious it was too close to dad and wanted to move somewhere much MUCH further away. Even though it meant leaving some friends and family behind. She'd lost touch with most of them anyway, but she was still close to some of her old school friends. I never had friends at that age. I was barely allowed out the house, nor was I at school. But I always wanted friends! I treat my dolls like friends to be honest, haha! Not giving a sh*t where my dad was or what he was thinking or planning, we moved to a lovely little city called Punksdale. It's near the coast so we could still visit the beach often! And is virtually the other side of the U.S., ha, good luck f*cking finding us daddy! I was around 6, nearly 7 by then. And I was SO happy! Relieved? Yes, just completely relieved!! Of course, my mom wanted to make sure me and Julian were safe, so she soon got us into a private school, a heavily guarded one too. Ya know, the kinda place all the celebrities kids go or whatever. It was OK there really. I made a fair few friends and everyone seemed very nice. They were only children of course, there's rarely serious bullying going on in such environments. Especially in such a strict school. Yeah... Life was the best it'd ever been then. Apart from mom going to numerous counselling sessions, and getting surgery to cover and heal her scars and all. She also had a breast reduction (since my god damn dad made her get them enlarged in the first f*cking place. Ugh!) Out of all the things he did to her I hate him the most for that... He FORCED her into having numerous plastic surgery operations! Simply because she wasn't 'perfect' enough for him. I swear if I ever meet Jonathan Corrianne again I WILL GAUGE OUT HIS EYES, SLIT HIS THROAT AND STAB HIM IN THE DAMN GUTS!!!!! Heh-hem, where was I?? Oh yes! My mom's STILL getting 'corrective surgery' to fix her already worn out body. I honestly don't know how she's getting through everything, even now... Anyway, elementary school was mostly wonderful! I was happy to be among so many kids my age and just blend in like a normal person for once, haha. But then I started middle school. And my life became a living nightmare! Oh yes! Because I hadn't already been through enough sh*t in my life, I get this thrown at me. Thank you SO much god! HA! I was constantly bullied in middle school and gradually lost all the friends I made at elementary... I wanted so bad to opt out but my mom insisted I stay strong and it was all part of growing up. Honestly! I don't even wanna talk about the crap I went through there... I really don't. I coped and put it with it all, trying to not let anything really get to me. I kept a brave face, smiled and laughed my way through it all, as you do. I hoped and prayed all summer that high school was going to be better for me. That I was much stronger (or was better at ACTING stronger) than I used to be. But never mind me! All through middle school my mom had talked about moving back to California. I made it clear to her I would never go back no matter what. Julian was with me on that. We were staying put in Punksdale and we had managed to convince mom to do so too. But alas, you can't stop people from doing what they want to. And now that mom was free to live her life, I felt terrible restricting her yet again. After my many tears and Julian's many arguments she finally left us both with a nanny... Perhaps it WAS selfish of her, but she missed her friends. Her old life. Well, her really old life, ya know, when she was social and confident. I guess she wanted all that back again, now that she was much stronger than she was 5 years ago. Well, after a few weeks I seemed to get used to not having her around, I called her everyday of course. We'd chat for at least an hour a day and I loved that so much. It almost felt like she was still there... But I soon got attached to my nanny, Claire, at the time. She's such an amazing woman! She honestly is! And she's taught me SO much about life, people, keeping a positive attitude and just everything. She's yet another god send in my complicated life and I simply can't thank her, or my brother, enough for all they've done for me and my mom!! <333 All my positive energy seemed to die my first day of high school though... I couldn't stand the place! Full of rotten snobs, it honestly was! But thanks to Claire's support and help she got me into a MUCH better school. A school that's changed my life for the better and made me feel like I can take on anyone and anything! I also met an amazing boy there who I'm currently dating, haha! He's the best boyfriend ever is Sammi. Treating only those he cares about with the deepest of respect and love. Not in a million years did I think I'd find such a wonderful, loving young man. It's safe to say I'm a very happy, confident, optimistic young lady now! And I simply can't WAIT to see what the future holds for me... Krissie xx Category:Practice episodez Category:Episodez